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The lamplight is bright, but the dust in the room prevents it from venturing very far. So while the gilt lettering on the book spines on the nearer shelves gleam, the greater number of volumes languish in gray obscurity.
There is a fire in the hearth, but the old man has his back turned to it and the chairs arrayed near it. Instead, he works at his desk by the light of the lamp. Rather than the quill one might expect, he uses a bone-and-metal contraption to scratch out his narrative.
He looks up with a start -- we've been spotted! "Oh! Is it that time?" he flusters, moving his papers aside in a rush. He rises creakily to his feet to greet us.
"So, you're from the Web. I'm Alteflatus the Storyteller. Come in! Come in! Have a seat! Oh, you're already sitting.. So you've come to hear about Zam! Hmmm... Where to start, where to start."
He taps his odd pen tentatively on his chair's arm. "First of all, I guess I should explain the exclamation point. Yes, it's zee-ay-emm-exclamation-point. It's a marketing ploy, I'm afraid. The Tourism Board heard about a town named 'Hamilton' which paid millions to find a way to make people notice them. For their millions, the answer came back: 'Put an exclamation point on the end of it.' The Tourism Board heard about this and decided they could save millions by doing it for free. Yes, it's tacky, but that's the marketing mentality for you."
Alteflatus shakes his head sadly.
"Well, let's not dwell on that. Let's call on somebody actually from Zam! to give you a better taste of what the place is all about. He's Lamont Treehollow, a far flung member of the famous Treehollow family, which runs most of Toehold and that whole neck of the woods.
"He runs a trade caravan between Zam! and some other worlds. He realized that if you take a bit of well made furniture and move it across a plane or two, some people will pay many a gold piece above its original price. He's been almost everywhere that is anywhere in Zam! and has many a tale to tell!
"We're early for our appointment with him, but this will give you a sample of his rough-and-tumble life, driving the big wagons behind the biggest, smartest horses we've ever seen. It's rip-roaring, two-fisted work, let me tell you!"
Alteflatus gestures and the flame of the hearth flares up. It's replaced by a scene from Somewhere Else.
To be more specific, it's replaced by a scene of a room with morning light streaming in through the windows. We blink for a bit, to assure ourselves we're seeing what we're seeing.
Yup, no amount of blinking can explain away what we see. It's a four-footed enameled bath tub, with a middle-aged man in it. He looks a bit like Barney Fife, only smaller and more wrinkled. Mercifully, bubbles obscure any view below the waterline. He's nearly as surprised as we are.
"Alteflatus! You're early! Weeks early!"
"Sorry, Lamont. These are the people from the Web, and they want to hear something about Zam!"
"I hate spiders! Brrr! And anyway, I'm on vacation!"
"Well, can't you give them some inkling about what Zam!'s about? Anything would help."
"Anything?"
"Anything."
"Okay, here goes ..."
Lamont breaks into song, with far more gusto than strict adherence to the mundanities of tonality.
"Oooooh, the Hoopla girls just want to play!
And those Nitnoid girls just get in the way!
Them Karnak girls sure cast a spell!
And Smattering girls can ring your bell!
But the girls who really make you smi-i-ile
are the girls who hail from Fastness Isle!"
(splash, splash)
"Those Frenkenford girls are fond of me!
But Asyncport girls shoulda stayed at sea!
Twystenshaut girls'll make you catch your breath!
And Clampdown girls are certain death!
But the ones that're worth each weary MI-I-ILE
are the girls who hail from Fastness Isle!"
His song finished, Lamont pulls a lit cigar from somewhere among the bubbles and puffs on it.
Around it, he asks, "There! We even, or what?"
Alteflatus mutters, "Yes, we're even. Later." He waves and Lamont vanishes.
He turns back to us and shrugs apologetically. "I assure you, Zam! isn't all like him! There are heroes and villians and wonders and great deeds to be done! My time's up, but I implore you, try some of the doors you see here!
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Write to: just john
2/3/97