Outlaw Chocolate!

(Written in the first decade of the 21st century)

Over the past several decades, there has been nothing that has been as quintessentially American as our prison industry. Thanks to the War on Drugs, America has taken the global lead in incarceration for economic gain. In this young century, America has even aggressively exported its prison know-how to the world.

And now we've reached an equilibrium in the Drug War, providing a steady stream of raw materials, both for incarceration and mass entertainment. A large enough portion of the population uses illegal drugs at any given time, so Law Enforcement can use that to justify "cracking down" on any segment of the population that suits their fancy. And the stories that result can be recycled into television show plots. The resulting worry among viewer/consumers is used to justify purchases of paramilitary equipment by local police. It's all quite a stable feedback loop.

We're ready to step up and take it to the next level!

Let's outlaw chocolate!

Among other reasons for this move:

  • Chocolate is more dangerous than several currently controlled substances.
  • Chocolate contributes to the current Obesity Epidemic.
  • Chocolate production has been tied to slave labor. (update)
  • Chocolate fosters a culture of death. Have you ever heard of anybody advertising "Death By Tobacco" as a pro-tobacco thing? Chocolate producers openly flaunt the decadent nature of their product.
  • It's a national disgrace that American prisons are full of minorities! Outlawing chocolate can help solve that by adding more white people -- especially white women -- to the prison population, giving it a more equitable racial and gender balance and making it look more like the rest of America! (And incidentally boosting the women-behind-bars softcore porn genre!)
  • Have you ever seen what chocolate does to dogs?
  • A chocolate underground can be a source of inspiration to novelists and movie makers, in the grand tradition of Prohibition and the Drug War.
  • Making chocolate illegal will stimulate the development of stronger chocolate and chocolate-like substances, echoing the opium -> morphine -> heroin and coca -> cocaine -> crack evolutions.
  • And have mercy on the crop eradication arm of our Drug Armies! Who has time to remember the difference between "cocoa" and "coca"?

Watch this space! I've set up a CafePress store to sell t-shirts and the like. Because just like every other player in the War on Drugs, I'm in this for the money!