Chapter 33: Crow to Ludvig
Just for the hell of it, Crow, who had been long chased by eternity #2, returned from the sojourn directly to demesnes of his long-lost son Ludvig. He found Ludvig rubbing his ears up against a nuclear warhead. At this Crow was mightily pleased with his son's resourcefulness.
"Caw! Ludvig my son! What are you trying to do?"
"Father?! How could you have left my mother? I hate you."
"No matter, son, I give unto thee, launch codes, nuclear powered flying cybertanks, and all manner of fun new toys. Here are the instructions, here are the batteries, here is the rocket fuel.... that should do it. It's time this world got stirred up a little bit. Have fun! Awk!"
In a faraway land, atop a cloud-covered mountain peak, the Great Pterodactyl woke. A dream had come to him in the night -- a dream of nuclear weapons, cybertanks, Ludvig the Lemming and a Crow. A very weird dream.
But Ptero knew, *knew*, it was more than a dream. He had experienced a vision of faraway happenings, and at last knew the feathered face of his enemy. Now the Crow had set events in motion that would threaten the very Huge World -- not that Ptero cared all that much. But he also threatened Pterroland, Pterri and the Eggs, and that could not be borne.
So Ptero flew, flew as never before, to Nowhere and the Lair of the Dark Lemmings. Thunderous sonic booms sounded, and tornados were scattered in his wake, as he sped for Nowhere.
When he arrived, Ptero found the Dark Lemmings gathering for war in their shiny new cybertanks, missiles, battleships and other toys.
"Brack!" roared Ptero.
"Uh oh," Ludvig said.
Beating his great wings, the Great Pterodactyl created a huge hurricane wind that blew the Dark Lemmings and all their equipment completely off Huge World into space. "Wheeeeee!" exclaimed the Dark Lemmings, as they tumbled through the airless void, forevermore.
But Father Crow's instructions were incomprehensible, as literacy had not yet been created. And the Launch Codes were not redundant, for they had not known the touch of AGAR AGAR, and so could not be used, even in a Responsible Fashion by a duly constituted Command Authority.
And Havoc created the great Draft. And it swept across the world. And Lo, the Lemmings marched off things in tight formation, and many teenagers did receive Codes in dere Dozes. And Azathoth continued to gibber, thought this was unknown by any save Nyarlathotep, who crawled through the placeless Void unseen. And there was much rejoicing. . .
Bertram was brought the Mystic Bagpipes, and he played upon them, though exceedingly badly, and the ears of the Multitude were quite sore. Bertram stopped playing, the crowd sighed with relief, and the high priest waited for some sort of vision -- but strangely, considering his state of consciousness, none was forthcoming.
"Hmmph," he offered to the Multitude, "must have been a false alarm."
What Zabba actually in fact brought Bertram was not the VMN, but rather small lemming, which was one reason Bertram's playing was so bad. Neither Zabba, Bertram, or probably the lemming was in any state of consciousness to be able to tell the difference. But, when they received word of this Maltreatment of that other one of their Kind, many of the other Lemmings began to arrive with the Intent of performing a Rescue.
And lo, Salk looked upon his priests, and found them all high, and he spake forth and said something, and it was, "Hey! Wait a minute! Whatever happened to my original goal of actually *helping* beings? Things are gonna have ta get changed around here..." And so Salk set about Changing Things.
First of all, Salk waived the green fees he'd been charging to use the Hockey Courses, which upset the greenskeepers a little, but generally was approved by everyone else. Then, he actually provided free contraceptives to all the teenagers in D.E. Land, which definitely made them happy and gave Donnar Eed something else to advise them about.
Finally, he saw a glob of Lemmings hurling through space, and felt they probably weren't happy there, so he snatched them up and placed them back on the Huge World, where there were actually surfaces for them to fall on.
The Dark Lemmings had actually in fact been enjoying their eternal fall, but they were now also quite happy to be back on the HW where they could begin wreaking Havoc in earnest. Havoc, tormented by the terrible music of Salk Land, and wreaked by the Dark Lemmings, fled from Nowhere unto The Place Whose Name Has Been Lost, where dwelt the Sage of Endless Axioms.
"Oh Wise One, Wherefore has this Vale come to be? What is to be done?"
Meanwhile, the Teenagers discovered Astroturf. "Behold! A new Gift from the Drug God Salk! We must eat of it!"
"Nay!" cried others of the Teenagers, "It is to be smoked!"
And thus did the teen gangs begin their Turf Wars. Some easily confused teens started shouting "Die, Turf!" And the Lemmings who wished to complain about the Astroturf were not pleased to be in the Middle of the Turf Wars. And they began to swarm in the Manner that only Lemmings can swarm.