Chapter 26: Tips for Teens, Part 2

Seeing that the life of the teens were not complicated enough to cause them to seek her maternal advice, Donnar Eed created competition. She brought forth schools and part-time jobs and sports. Many of the Teens went to Salk Land to play on the Links and Hockey rinks, many went nowhere to work in pizzerias, and they all had to go daily to red brick buildings that had many classrooms. In these Schools, the teens were measured and evaluated and pressured to do better. Those who failed were labeled stupid.

The teens who went to Salk Land entered med school, where they cut open lemmings to see what made them tick (and bounce) and went on a field trip to study the Great Pterodactyl and wife. Several hundred were seen to be heading toward their eggs with picks in hand.

Many of the Teens could be seen to listening to Lord Death's rock group, "Vomiting Vermin & the Ghouls." These teens were then sorely tempted to toss themselves lemming-like off of high places. Donnar Eed was very pleased with this for she invented the phone and set up a Teen Suicide Hot Line. "They *need* me!" she glistened.

Since the only exposure anybody had had to telecommunications had to do with pizza delivery, there was no end of AGAR AGAR's people calling and saying, "Couldja send a suicidal teenager over here? Yeah, self immolation would be neat..." ... not to mention all the wrong numbers generated by the Clot of Incontinence. And lo, many was the time when a despondent Teenager hurled herself over a precipice, only to land in a pile of just-delivered pizza. Afterwards, the Teenager would look a lot like a de-clawed Freddy Kreuger, albeit of a cheesier Odor.