Chapter 18: Hockey Is Born

After all this creating, Salk needed some rest, so he finally invented an actual game to use all those little holes in Linksland for. He assumed human form, visited his followers, and laid down the rules for them.

And he called the game, "Hockey."

The rules of Hockey were given as follows:

  • Wear pants that are as silly-looking as possible.
  • Find a small hole, and have 18 lemmings stand around it in a semi-circle.
  • Stand about 6,000 to 10,000 thumb-widths from the hole, and spit violently over your left shoulder (hence the game's name).
  • Hit a small white ball with a stick. Walk to wherever the ball lands, and attempt to toss the stick into the hole, bouncing it off a lemming. (The lemmings didn't seem to mind, since each was given a quaalude before the game commences.)
  • Go have a beer.

The winner is the being who finishes his/her beer first.

Oh, by the way, Salk also gives his greenskeepers (that is, all inhabitants of Linksland) gender. He promptly invents contraceptives as a precaution, but refuses to export any outside his land for the time being.

"Ahem," said Goron, at the mention of his name.

"Pretty interesting game you've got here, Salk. Oughta make it more competitive, though. Team sports involving phalli are especially good for a little gratuitous injury, and I'm working on a new deal to get that thing Crow just invented.... uh, Television, to cover just such things, and show footage of good injuries over and over again (I'm hoping to work in conjunction with AGAR on that, you know, he has such a talent for re-presenting material..... Oh, forgive me. Name's Goron. The reason I came: IVs and such are fine with me, go ahead. A fine idea.

Ah, I remember the good old days, Salk, before Death showed his face in the universe. Endless suffering. People couldn't die, nope, not at all. Just suffered. I was here first, you know. Yeah.

Well, enough chatter. Keep up the excellent work, my good man."