Chapter 17: How the Other Half Lives
Now, the first bifurcation of eternity was getting a little distressed. Eternity #1 was just sitting there. Trying to ignore everything. So he went and questioned #1.
"Wherefore, brother, are you sitting here ignoring the universe and all that needs done in it?"
"What? Oh. Don't pay any attention. It's all illusion."
At this, #2 was really upset. "It may be illusion... but it's *our* illusion, and we should take care of it."
#1 replied, irritated, "OK. You do something about it, then."
"Fine! I will!"
The first bifurcation of eternity, second being to exist in the universe, went to its very core, and began to chant. Momentarily, all manner of bizarre things sprang forth, and so he set about naming them and telling them what to do.
"Ok. You guys are ants. Your special power is to traipse around, form bivouacs, be exceedingly numerous, and have the greatest strength per your size of anything in the galaxy. Got all that?"
"Yeah." They squeaked in unison.
"And you guys are bosons. You're supposed to run out and make gravity. You know, things are attracted to each other as the product of their two masses divided by the square of the distance between them."
"Isn't there a constant?" One piped up.
"Uh, make it up. I don't care."
"Ok. You're, uh, the demon sultan Azathoth. You just stay here and gibber, OK?"
"To continue," #2 continued. "You guys are plants. Some of you have to produce edible fruit, some of you have to have flowers, some have to be shrubs, and one of you has to be poison ivy. Work it out." The plants rustled.
"Ok. You guys are scientists, and you guys are professional clergy men. You're job is to make up explanations for things, and be confusing to anybody who doesn't already know what you're talking about."
"Awk!" Crow swooped in. "And that one's Nyarlathotep, the crawling chaos!"
"Hey!" exclaimed #2.
"And those are platypuses, cosmic strings, dark matter, paradoxes, confusion, angst, black holes, Awk, and Edsels, ties, jewelry, playing cards, photons, tachyons, nuclear weapons, macrame wall hangings, fillers, preservatives, artificial colors and flavors, junk food, cactuses..."
"Cut it out!" cried the second being of creation, as strange things went flying towards all corners of reality (including some nuclear bombs).
But crow continued. "Marshmallows and marshmallow cream, whoopie cushions, knee pads, skateboards, Television, harmonicas, chinese finger-puzzles, Converse shoes, dresses with shoulder pads, wigs, cigars, studded leather belts and jackets, sunglasses, garage door openers, headbands, weight gloves, belts, and equipment, clip-boards, pill-bugs, snakes, panda bears...."
And the people of the Giant World saw all this paraphernalia strewn across their skies and said, as with one voice, "Oh, joy. More stuff to fall on us."
But a few AGAR AGAR people and an art infested teenager or two spake unto them: "Do you not see? These things up there are signs and portents of our future! For instance, by that panda passing through the cluster of skateboards we can fortell that a king is going to die in particularly embarrassing circumstances."
And a teenager among them named Zoob prophesied, "Wow! Like, that shooting dress shield? Yeah like coming up is a waaay gnarly thing to Betty!"
And so the Vocational School of Astrologers was born.
At this point, #2 was incensed, and proceeded to chase Crow all over creation, leaving a bunch of stuff at the center of the universe yet quite mystified about what it was supposed to be.
In a fit of creative frenzy, Salk created a few things Crow & E#2 hadn't got around to: adhesive bandages, penicillin (of course), and beer (hey, it's a drug!). He'd like to invent bloodletting and/or IV needles, but feels Goron should be consulted first.