Chapter 8: What Could Possibly Goron?
Stalking among the worlds of AGAR, coalescing in the footsteps and works of the mighty AGAR AGAR, came Goron, Prince of prolonged suffering, and grievous bodily harm. Wicked and whimsical was he, god of acne and psoriasis, inventor of poison ivy, broken bones, hunger, insomnia, migraines, sciatica, humidity, PMS, lacerations, burns, torn ligaments, pulled muscles, ingrown toenails, planter's warts, and bruises (among other things), and patron of torturers and bullies. (Although not of the specific subset of torturers devoted to the mouth and teeth; these remained the province of AGAR.)
And the people, who still lacked gender, wondered "How best to make use of this new boon of PMS?" (Those who have never seen Health tend to hold a somewhat different view of ailments than You or I.)
On the Great Pterodactyl's World, the cries of "Wheeeeeeee!" as the lemmings dove began to become interspersed with variations, like "Wheeeee - ouch! Ugh! Argh! Oof!" as they caromed off the slopes and pit walls.
Of course, they all survived. Soon, in order to differentiate their flattened, bloody selves from pizza, many donned t-shirts saying "Not a Pizza!" These became more popular than even the perennial favorite which began with "I hate ..." and went on to list the names of the first 256 days of the week.
Many refused to worship Goron, so they continued to go "Wheeeeeeee!"
The Crow, never one to take offense (in fact, he liked people who speak up like that) went to the pizza-objector, and pronounced on him these solemn words: "Thela Hun Ginjeet, Thela Hun Ginjeet. Thela Hun Ginjeet, Thela Hun Ginjeet; Pizza remains, deep in the jungle, pizza remains, deep in the jungle streeeeeam!"
Some began to wonder if Crow had begun to fall further under the influence of AGAR AGAR, such was the redundancy.
Thenceforth, that man, and all first-born males directly descended from him, harbored the miraculous ability such that, whenever in need of sustenance, pizza would suddenly, spontaneously generate in above them in the sky and come raining down on them.
That was on the Crow-named AGAR AGAR planet of Solon, which was in a later epoch to be briefly known as "Pizzeria," when one of the descendants of Hubert (the father of all pizzamanna prophets), was captured by evil and tyrannical forces who starved the Hubert's poor descendants, thus forcing a reign of pizza and (consequently, as it sucked all the chaos out of the rest of the universe to keep the pizza flowing) determinism.
Many in the worlds near Solon, called Pizzeria, began to cast their eyes Solonward and to mope and pray for deliverance. "Please cast thy boon upon us, with moist bits of fungus, preferably within thirty minutes!"
At the mere mention of his realm, The Overlord of Death, Putrefied Remains and Generally Nasty Smells reeked his way into existence, offending everyone in the relative area with his profuse emanations.
Unfortunately, those lemmings who were jumping off various cliffs at the time splattered like water balloons upon the world of the Great Pterodactyl, making it very messy. And from this gory mess, the Great Pterodactyl's World became known unto the people of the worlds of AGAR AGAR as "The Big Sticky"..