Chapter 4: Crow Shows Up

But one night, the (self-proclaimed) mother of all lemmings snuck off, stood on a mountain top, and wished heartily that there was, in all heavens, a hero to champion her people against the terrible predations of the (by her way of thinking) rapacious and evil Ptero.

Suddenly, there was a rustle of wings, and something unseen came to earth. It was the Crow. But he appeared as a glorious, handsome lemming, with strait brown fur, sharp incisors, and a wild and crazy look about the eyes.

"Eaie! I feel good! Du-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, I knew that I would, now!" was the sacred formula chanted by Crow-as-lemming (which later became the battle-cry of all lemmings).

And so, the mother of lemmings conceived the Great Hero Lemming named Ludvig, a Demi-god who fought the Ptero with all of the fierceness and cunning of a lemming. In time, the Great Hero Ludvig was to learn many secrets from a crippled old man who was really the Lord of Incompetence, and lead his people over all manner of dangerous precipices (none of them ever seemed to fare too well because of this, though.)

But it could have been worse, since neither Death nor Grievous Bodily Harm had shown up in this universe yet. So the lemmings just bounced a lot and many developed a taste for that sort of thing. To commemorate their leader Ludvig, they built a great graven image of him and, naturally, pushed it off a nearby cliff.


But one day, one of the shiftless copies, drifting through eternity, lit on one of AGAR AGAR's worlds. This was the celestial Crow.

Crow said: "I am the lord of strife, I am the cleverest crow in the universe. I am the trickster god. CAW!"

Until now, all the people on all of AGAR AGAR's planets had been exactly the same, all unable to break from the mold that AGAR AGAR had made. There was no free will. Only determinism.

But Crow went among the people, and spoke with them. All of them said the same thing. "I'm sick, but my teeth are clean." You can imagine how idiotic this got to seem to poor old trickster, after a few eons of undercover work. He got so tired of hearing it that he decided it was his duty to do something about it.

Thus (it is said) from then onward, Crow was of good health but dispensed with teeth entirely. But the plague of dentistry had not let Crow alone (so it is continued) for Crow still carries a large bill.

Quickly, (before anygod else could beat him to it,) the crow took off like a rocket through the heavens, named all of AGAR AGAR's planets, informed the people, and gave each thereon a name in turn.

Crow god flew high to the heavens. He flew through the vastness of space. Soon, in one crowded corner of the galaxy, he found the creator, sitting, looking cramped and irritated, and generally distracted. So very cleverly, Crow tricked the godlings, one by one, to leave the vicinity of the creator, until he became momentarily quiescent. And as the creator meditated, Crow snuck up, plucked a bit of earwax from eternity's ear, and made off with it safely. This he carried back to one of AGAR AGAR's worlds, (to this day, he's not sure if it was the same one,) and said unto the people "Behold, I bring you the gift of chaos. I bring you free-will, nonlinear mathematics, and quantum indeterminacy."

The people were amazed and reverent, tho some dared to speak up and say "That's all very nice, but where's that pizza we ordered?"

And Crow flew over the world, and let crumbs of the earwax fall everywhere. People started to have their own ideas, and in a flash, chaos had spread across the universe.

The Creator said, "Hey, where'd my earwax go? Oh, never mind. I'm resting."